Friday, October 8, 2010

Land Of Race Car Ya-Yas

I hate other drivers.  Genuinely hate.  Whenever I go for a simple drive to the bank or the grocery store there seems to be a slew of crazy people out to kill me in the most brutal way imaginable, full of twisted metal and fire and screaming.  Now, I do a lot of city driving, and to a point I’m very glad for the wide streets in San Fernando.  It’s a big relief compared to the tiny one lane roads back in Philly, though the traffic does seem to somehow move slower here.

I also do a lot of highway driving, and living in L.A. if I go anywhere more than five miles away I’ll probably take the freeway.  So, city driving now also becomes highway driving and I fear for my goddamn life.  I’m not scared of getting mugged and shot.  I’m not scared of being stabbed in a park in the middle of the night.  I’m scared of being run off the road by someone who seems to think that the other cars on the road are some sort of a mirage and the only way to make them go away is to get some water RIGHT FUCKING NOW OR THEY WILL DIE.

So, to help you out, in my ever-vigilant campaign to make my life better and you all as awesome as me, I have created a list of why I’m a better driver than you:

1. I use my turn signal.

This is a big one.  Driving safely is dependent on being aware of other drivers.  So when I’m going about my way, tralalalala, and you decide, at the point where I’m about to pass you, to cut in front of me without signaling, I tend to panic and my life flashes before my eyes as I imagine myself perishing in a fiery and not-ironic-enough-to-be-funny death.

2. I don’t tailgate.

Mostly I don’t tailgate because I don’t trust myself to not spasmodically twitch, accidentally slam on the gas and wreck the car ahead of me.  Or, more likely, wreck my tiny 2002 Echo.  I know that some people are simply good at tailgating.  You know what a lot of people aren’t good at?  Being tailgated.  So next time you drive up to a little sedan thinking “maybe if I ride this person’s ass they’ll get out of my way, even though it’s physically impossible for them to change lanes for at least two miles” please consider the person driving that sedan and freaking the fuck out because there’s a giant monster people nowadays call “trucks” about to eat them.

3. I don’t drive ten miles below the speed limit.

In fact, I don’t drive the speed limit.  I stay at least five miles above the speed limit mainly because 90% of the people around me are doing exactly that same thing.  If you don’t keep up with traffic you could cause a car accident.  That’s right, if you’re driving slowly you’re not being a safe and concerned citizen, you are putting people’s lives in danger.  Don’t do that.

4. I don’t text, sext, tweet, blog or take pictures while I drive.

That’s right, take fucking pictures.  People do that.  I’ve seen it.  Or wear headphones instead of just plugging the thing into the radio.  I literally can’t count the number of times I’ve almost been killed by someone who thought that their phone or their music was far more interesting and pertinent to their lives at the moment than whatever was happening on the road.  And you know what the worst thing is about these filthy, disgusting people?  They never realize they’re doing anything wrong.  It makes me sick.

5. I’m not impatient.

That is such a total lie.  I am the most impatient fucking person you will ever meet.  I get pissed off that I have to wait a whole minute and a half to microwave leftovers.  What the fuck is that?  A whole minute and a half?  You have got to be shitting me.  But impatience is what kills people on the road, it really does.  Running late for work?  Maybe you should leave for work earlier instead of trying to murder me.

6.  I don't blind people.

People seem to love to just leave their brights on all night long.  From 6 PM to the wee hours of the morning people love to make sure that they can see everything and you can't see anything.  They don't seem to understand that A) other cars on the road are supposed to help provide lighting and cues on how the road bends and B) if you flood a car with light then that person is rendered fucking blind.  By endangering other people on the road you are endangering yourself.  And, believe me, you are not a good enough driver to swerve out of the way of a car going 80 MPH that just crashed into meridian because everything looks the same when your pupils are so dilated that it's all just one big bright light.

7.  I’m not old.

I know what you’re going to say.  “But, K, you can’t judge an entire population based on a few bad apples.  That’s bigotry.”  You know what, concerned citizen?  You’re right.  And I don’t care.

Well, that’s my list of reasons why one of you will one day end up killing me.  If I think of anymore I’ll be sure to put them up.